Dear Prime Minister Manmohan Singh/Atal Bihari Vajpayee/Narasimha Rao /Rajiv Gandhi,
Pakistan strongly condemns / is shocked by / is pleasantly surprised with the success of our "freedom fighters" in the loss of dozens / hundreds / thousands / millions of innocent lives in the bomb blasts / sniper attack / hijacking / religious riots / other disaster that occurred in a busy marketplace / train / housing colony / Indian parliament building / an upper-class hotel / temple in Mumbai / Delhi / Kashmir / Assam / Punjab / Gujarat / Other.
The Pakistani citizens / soldiers / "freedom fighters" / "friendship agents" / students who were caught red-handed / found dead at the scene of the crime / convicted of the crime are actually undercover Indian / American / Israeli agents. Any Pakistanis proven to be guilty of terrorism will be rewarded handsomely / dealt with severely / promoted to Lt. Colonel / given a new Indian passport and sent back to India / handed over to the Americans as proof of our commitment in the war on terror.
There are no Pakistani army-funded training camps / terrorist camps / madrasaas in Azad Kashmir / Afghanistan / Nepal / Bangladesh . The satellite images / photographs / eyewitness accounts / videotaped confessions obtained by the Indians is fraudulent / fake / inconclusive / are actually from Indian terrorist camps and part of a larger RAW / CIA conspiracy to destabilize the Pakistani government by stalling democracy / encouraging sectarian violence / undermining Pakistani institutions / causing the next military coup in Pakistan. A destabilized Pakistani government / mafia could cause Pakistan to become a dangerous nuclear WalMart / Target / Seven-Eleven and a terrorist breeding ground / university / research lab that would be worse for the world.
We hope this will not derail the peace process started with the recent India-Pakistan cricket series / Lahore bus yatra / Muzafarabad- Srinagar road opening / Bollywood peace concert / open borders initiative / other confidence-building measures. We look forward to justifying further attacks against innocent civilians / resolving the core issue of Kashmir / developing best-of-breed plausible deniability defenses.
We stand by / are plotting against our Indian brethren in their hour / days / years / decades of pain.
Signed,
Asif Ali Zardari
President, Pakistan / Chief Operating Officer, Taliban Inc. / General, Pakistani Army
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